This morning I woke up loving myself more than anyone else, knowing that this is the love I won’t regret giving.
Dim the lights, do not turn it off. Make it just enough to see yourself inside your room. Turn on your speaker and max the bass. Play your jam the music that can loosen your body, the music that seem to be part of your sexuality. Listen and loosen. Move your fingers, strech your neck. Feel the urge to strech, relax and flex. Observe your mind and body as it moves with the music. Run your fingers through your body. Caress yourself and admire your own beauty. Move towards your own choreography. Be aware of what you want, when you want and where you want. Give it to yourself. Build it up. Feel the power of your own touch. Feel the sheets on your skin, the softness of the pillow, the movement of your bed and the energy of your own sexuality. Your body is a gift. It can unfold phenomenon you are not aware of. Follow its natural movement. All this energy would go into your center. You will want to touch yourself but at the same time delay the pleasure cause the movement towards the center is mind blowing. You feel so much freedom and a sense of ownership.
As your body agrees with all that you offered; the music, the vibration, the movement, the beat, the touch, the sight, the smell, and all that there is; you will grant your wish. Fingers will start tracing the way to your center where there is warmth and softness. Your hands will do its trick and choreography that no one else knows how to do. You will give yourself the gift that is exactly what you want and how you want it.
You’ll start dancing with your hands and fingers along the slippery dance floor. The grace of every stroke and movement is perfectly in sync with every atom of your body. You will keep on loving yourself by giving and agreeing to what you desire. You will not stop cause you know when you want to and when you need to. You will pleasure the universe with the art you’re creating; the sound of pleasure, the dance of love and the passion. And when you’re done, you’re body, mind and spirit will collapse as the universe collapse with you!
What you just did is not masterbation, it is a celebration and artistic sexpression.
Just when you thought everything is gonna be fine… then you realize you’re just a little bit more fucked up than yesterday.
I’m still thinking about you but this time with less anger, pain, bitterness and all other emotions I can associate with you, less love too I guess. But to be honest, now I really don’t know what loving you is.
I still have lots of questions unanswered. They still do float in my mind. Questions still do pop from time to time but not as often as before. They pop but now I have the power to ignore it bit by bit, not like before. Before when questions starts to arise I formulate my own answers and those answers usually feel so true. Truth really hurts so bad!
These are the typical questions that we all ask and always dare to answer. What is love? How do you love? How do I? How do we? Or did we ever love? Is there such thing as love without forgiveness? Love with condition? Love with standard? Love without self?
Is love the answer to our loneliness? or are we just afraid to be lonely that’s why people say I love you? How is that suppose to feel?
The answer to these questions should not be complicated. I know it shouldn’t be. I know how to love, I told myself that. I think I felt it with you. I knew how to love you. I knew how easy it was. I knew how amazing it was. You are love. We are supposed to be Love… but you made it so complicated now. We made it complicated. That now I forgot how true and simple it should be.
Nahinto sa pagsulat dahil puso’y natigil na rin sa pagluha at binilinan ka ng huling salita, sinabi sayong malaya ka na
Di ko kayang makita ka ng mahal pa kita
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong isang tingin mo lang sa aking mga mata ay matutunaw ako muli na parang yelo sa disyerto
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong bubuhos ang matinding unos sa aking mga pisngi na di ko alam kung paano pipigilan
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong sa mga salitang sasabihin mo mapupunit ng paulit ulit ang aking puso at pipiliting buuin ulit sa pag-asang maiiwan na ikaw pa rin ang babalikan
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong sa mga yakap mo ako’y lulubog at magmumukang tangang lumuluha habang sinasabi ang mga sal2itang hindi ko na alam ang kahulugan
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong pag natapos na ang oras na tayo’y magkasama, titigil ang lahat at sasabihin nating tapos na, hanggang dito lang ang tadhana
Di ko kaya dahil alam kong mahal kita pero hanggang dito nalang talaga
I like you…
I like you staring at me…
I like you here (head) and here (heart).
I like how you make time so important.
I like how time feels when you’re with me,
How it was not wasted and how it is used.
I like how you make me think deeper than I thought of the deepest thought that I had… feel deeper than all the feelings that I absorbed.
You are not a waste of time, you are a precious moment.
You are a learning, you are a science of emotions.
You made me learn more about myself and about the things I wasn’t willing to learn or wasn’t aware that I could understand.
You make words so profound inside my head… words that are now tied up with my soul and emotions.
But you made one emotion so clear, so clear that I could see right through it.
Right through the for letter word FEAR.
You asked me once “What is your phobia?”
I answered… My phobia is not knowing my phobia.
Now I fear that I knew it already, and know it could happen
A phobia of you being mine and suddenly not being mine.
The divine dichotomy of Love and Fear that I could not set apart…
For without one you can’t feel the other, but with both, life will reveal the ultimate truth of Love.
Who can say what ultimate is or how ultimate is defined?
It is you and only you who could tell… for you are the only one who holds the power on how words should be felt and manifested.